How to build mental muscles when you’re feeling weak

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It’s been waaay too long since I wrote a blog for the podcast and website, so I’m super happy to be putting this one out.

There’s been a whole load of reasons why I haven’t done these for a while, but it’s not because I don’t love doing them, it’s just that my health and not having the (here comes my new word that annoys my husband)... bandwidth to do them, has prevented me having the clear brain I need to write new things.  

I heard someone use the word bandwidth a little while back, I have no idea who it was but I instantly connected with it. I really don’t like saying that I can’t do things, or giving excuses, or trying to explain why that will be hard for me, but saying I don’t have the bandwidth just sums it up really. I didn’t even know that the definition for it is ‘the energy or mental capacity to deal with something’ I thought it was just a WiFi thing. It makes a lot of sense, because some days I’m like an old dial-up internet connection, it takes me a while to connect, I make a lot of strange noises in the process, and once I am connected I can only do one thing at a time or else I crash the system. Other days, I’m like a fibre optic connection and I can do multiple things super fast, while planning ahead, taking everything in my stride and generally feel like I’m winning at life! (they’re a little more rare at the moment!). So that’s my new word for assessing what I can take on - whether I have the bandwidth that day. And as we all know, the internet can be unreliable, so you never really know from one day to the next what the situation will be.

Anyway, I thought I’d write a blog to share a few of the tips and tricks I’ve learnt over the last few years about how to build mental muscles, especially when you’re feeling particularly weak in that area. 

Now, I’m not saying these are things that will work for everyone, everyone’s mental health is dictated by different circumstances, but I am saying that I’ve been to some very dark, horrible, heart-shattering places with my mental health and these are the things that have helped me survive. I think they'll be helpful for any women struggling with hormones or mood changes, but I also think they’re great tips for those struggling with mental health in others ways too. They’re also just good all-rounder tips for all of us.

But flexing mental muscles is like flexing physical ones - it’s a workout - it takes time to build these muscles, but once you start using them and they strengthen, they’ll be there when you need them and they’ll be way stronger than they were at the start. So, see this as a mental workout of exercises to help you when your brain is hormonal/confused/frustrated/depressed/griefy - you fill in the gap. 

And as we all know, no exercise is really that fun or easy at the start. It takes the desire to reach the end goal to keep you going, it’s hard work and it’s not ever everyone’s first choice of activity - but it’s totally worth it. And as with any new exercise, don’t expect to be great at it at the beginning. 

The last podcast interview we put out on our mission to find 101 different types of loss was Loss 62 - Loss of Menopause. And the next loss episode is about the losses involved with having a chronic illness. So I thought I’d put out a blog to sort of tie those together and share some of the things I’ve learnt and self-cultivated over the years about how to keep and retain your sanity, and relationships with those around you, when your mental health is taking a hit. 

A lot of this started for me in 2016 when I started to feel ‘off’. Not really myself. Tired, angry, very easily frustrated, overwhelmed and anxious. They weren’t really feelings I’d struggled with before. Nearly 10 years later, I suspect that what started then, and took many years to diagnose, was a combination of Endometriosis, PMDD (an extreme sensitivity to hormone fluctuations), IBS and low B12, and possibly perimenopause kicking it all off in my early 30’s - but I’ll never fully know. 

What I do know is that many years later, after a hysterectomy in my late 30’s to control the PMDD, I am left with still trying to balance hormones, and a whole lot of experience, that I didn’t really want, in having to manage a brain that doesn’t work the way I want it to all the time.

And, like a lot of things that affect mental health, most of what I’ve been through is a hidden kind of pain, grief and illness. You can’t see physically what I’m coping with, the only physical proof would be the tiny scars on my stomach from my surgery and from where they currently insert estrogen implants every few months. 

What started for me in 2016, and only got worse, was a journey through mental health fluctuations that hit me very hard. This was very unexpected, confusing and not something I even recognised or admitted to for many years. Even now, still in it at times, but largely on the other side of the worst of it, it’s not easy for me to say that's what I struggle with. I have always been a strong, super-organised, capable person - so facing this has probably been the biggest challenge I’ve ever had to face, for me personally, and in our marriage. It's easy to ignore, scoff, or even have sympathy with mental illness in others, but when it hits you - that's when you really find out what you think about it. 

For a long time I was unable to control my mind and moods as I wanted to, but I always felt determined to find a way to control it. I just couldn’t understand why my own moods and brain function was suddenly outside of my control. Then the constant battle to fix it, and failing, only made it worse. I don’t know if, at that time, I believed your own mind and thoughts could be outside of your own control, so therefore I must be able to do something to sort it. This just made me bitter, embarrassed, ashamed, second-guessing life, and generally frustrated with everyone and everything. Including me. 

So, I had to learn a lot of coping strategies over the years and I feel now is a good time to share them with those of you that might also be struggling, or might be helping others that are struggling, or for you to know about in case you ever reach this point yourself.

Harry Potter: Is this all real, or is it just happening inside my head? Dumbledore: Of course it's happening inside your head Harry. Why should that mean that it's not real? -- J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows

These are real issues. Even if it’s just your head making more of something than it should, that is a very real thing to the person going through it, and we need to find ways to help us deal with this.

Now, of course there are times when you’ll feel beyond doing anything at all, but I’ve found that if you build these muscles up, then over time, even in those times, the muscles you’ve worked will be strong enough to help you in some small way even when things feel very bleak. 

This is not a ‘fix for mental health issues’, they’re just things that have helped me when I’m struggling and I know could help a lot of other people too. And I’m going to be tailoring these to my experience which is how to manage on my own or with my husband. So if you’re not married, or have children or are in a different situation then just substitute what I refer to with him, to anyone that might be around you - family, friends, colleagues etc.

So, here are my 5 top tips for coping in mental slumps, each with a practical tip to help you execute them, and a physical exercise for you to liken it to. 

TIP 1: Stop the spiral

When your mind becomes dark, foggy and even a bit evil (yes you know you’ve wanted to stab your husband or colleague for chewing the wrong way), there is the strong temptation to allow it to spiral. It’s like going on YouTube and falling down the rabbit hole - you went on there to find out how to fix a fence and now you’re watching a video of a man who befriended a cabbage. The same happens with your mind. You have the thought that you’re not good enough and before you know it you’ve convinced yourself your husband is having an affair or your mother never wanted you from birth.

This is never a healthy use of your time or energy. And if you’re honest, you know when you’re doing it, because you’re probably weighed down by anger, depression, melancholy or sadness at the same time. 

Your mind is a tool you must use… If you don’t take control of your mind, it will control you. Your thoughts can either build you up or break you down. -- Tony Robbins

This exercise is going to be a kind of ‘bat it out of the park’ type. I think that’s a sporty phrase for some sport somewhere. You need to grab your big old, metaphorical bat, that’s very important, holding a real bat at a time like this is a very bad idea, and you need to whack those thoughts to where the sun sets. And this is not an easy or a relaxing task, in fact it’s exhausting. 

I know it’s easier said than done, I’ve been there, and some days this feels almost impossible to do because they’re coming at me so fast, but don’t give up, because the stronger those muscles get, the more you’ll find you can control it, or ignore it, more than you think. 

For example, if my brain is telling me I’m a waste of oxygen, I don’t have anything to show for my life, all my dreams have been crushed and no one really loves me or sees me for who I am, no one listens to my podcast, they’re all laughing at me, I’ll never amount to anything, it’s too late for me to do anything useful in this world, and I’m probably fat now… I have a couple of choices. 

Option A - Listen to the voice and start to believe it, which will inevitably turn outwards on those around me eventually. ‘Look at my husband, he doesn’t have all this crap to deal with, he never helps me, he doesn’t understand what I’m going through, he hasn’t even noticed I’ve been crying, I bet he doesn’t fancy me any more’. Listen to this voice and when said-husband appears, probably in an annoying way, doing something wrong and making noises no one wants to hear, then I give him what for - why shouldn’t I tell him how horrible he is? How I regret marrying him. How he doesn’t really love me. How he doesn’t understand.

In this instance, what might be a seemingly unaware husband, has just walked into an unprovoked attack - how would we like that if he did it to us without warning? Calling into question our very relationship? It’s hurtful and you’ll either get hate spewed back at you or you’ll have hurt the person you love the most - either way, no happy ending coming here.

Feelings are something you have; not something you are. -- Shannon L. Alder

Don’t let yourself become your dark feelings, they’re not always right and they can really lead you astray - you can have control over them.

Option B - Listen to the voice (cos there’s no easy way to ignore it early on), but refute the thoughts with things you know (but might not feel). 

Get your bat, and every time you whack a nasty thought away from you.

[Thwack sound]

And shout something you know to be true - these are your Whacky Truths!

E.g.

Thought: ‘You’re not worthy of a place on this earth, look at you, what a failure.’

Whacky Truth: ‘I am worthy, everyone is, and I’m not failing, I’m surviving - like a bad ass menopausal woman who’s losing her hair a bit’

[Thwack sound]

Thought: ‘Your husband is going to find someone far more interesting and attractive than you.’

Whacky Truth: ‘My husband loves me and we are going to get through this together’

[Thwack sound]

Thought: ‘You’ll never be like all those people you see on social media, they’re winning at life!’

Whacky Truth: ‘Winning is not defined by what your social media looks like, I’m winning just whacking this thought away’

[Thwack sound]

Thought: ‘You’re the fattest you’ve ever been!’

Whacky Truth: ‘I’m a normal weight for a menopausal woman who’s struggling with her mental health and I ate some fruit instead of chocolate yesterday!’

[Thwack sound]

Tell your brain the truth of the situation. If you know, deep down, that this isn’t the real you, they’re not thoughts you usually have, then tell yourself that. Maybe the whole world feels dark and scary, don’t let yourself believe that - the world is full of hope and good things - even if you can see or feel them right now.

PRACTICAL TIP: It’s very likely you will have recurring themes and thoughts in dark times, which will be different for each of us. So when you have a better day,  find the antidotes to those and write them down. 

Then when you’re struggling with these thoughts, read the truth out, and even if you don’t believe it right then, stop those thoughts from spiralling any further. 

If you struggle with assuming you’re unloved but people are telling you they love you - write that down. I am loved by…If you feel that your life has been a failure and you’re not worthy of being here - write down the truth, which could be a few things. Maybe it’s ‘I am going through a hard time right now but things aren’t as bad as I feel’, or maybe it’s ‘I am just as worthy as anyone else of being here’, or ‘Life is important, I will fight for it.’ 

I suffered with a particular fear during these times, and so for me, because I’m a Christian I would use words from the Bible. 

God has not given me a spirit of fear, but of power, love and a sound mind. -- 2 Timothy 1:7

I didn’t feel sound! But it helped me wrestle with the fear. Learn your truths and eventually you don’t need to read them, you’ll just know to use them at the right time - let these statements and truths be your bat.

Again, this isn’t easy, it’s a battle, it’s a wrestle, but it’s worth the fight and once you flex those muscles you’ll start to be able to defend yourself against the thoughts, even if you can’t make them stop or beat them in that moment. 

There may be times when you just need to distract your brain to get away from them and that’s ok too. Put on the TV, read a book, watch a play, do something to distract your mind to give you some respite.

No one else can do this for you, and you need to want to do this or you will naturally spiral with your thoughts.

You don't have to control your thoughts. You just have to stop letting them control you. -- Dan Millman

TIP 2: Close your mouth

Man, this is a hard one, and at first you might think ‘what?!’ But I truly believe it has saved my marriage and prevented me losing friendships and relationships along the way. And it’s the first part of two that go together, so bear that in mind.

When your mind is dark, when your mood is black, when your thoughts are so judgemental and critical that when you say anything it proves the tongue is sharper than the sword - you need to learn two things. 

The first is to close your mouth, the second we’ll get to next.

This took me a while to learn. It starts with the recognition that what is happening in your mind is not the natural you, not the truth, but a version that isn’t well. 

For me, the PMDD made me hyper-sensitive to noises (i.e. my husband doing something very normal!), overly frustrated with other people (doing normal things that felt so much bigger), prone to dark moods and anger (I would literally wake up angry), and a head full of thoughts that were nasty, self-critical, unfair on others, and heavy for me to carry.

[See my 'Lost inside: where am I? (my experience with PMDD)' blog]

Now, when I’m in my right mind I would know whether these are things to be ignored, or things to be mentioned, and I’d know how and when would be good to do that. But if I’m not in the right mind, the chances are I don’t know how to approach this sensitivity or kindly or know when to let something go. So obviously, if I decide to mention every bad thing that goes through my head - people are going to get hurt. Probably the people who least deserve it, and the ones you need the most.

So, here’s an important thing to know - it is not other people’s jobs to put up with all your crap! There has to be some ownership and control on your side. And yes, I know, I know, this is SO hard. This is a tricky muscle to build.

We’re going to liken this one to a long, silent plank. It’s horrible, it’s uncomfortable, it’s difficult, it makes you even angrier inside sometimes, but it can make you super strong.

It took me a while to realise this one. I wasn’t very pleasant to be around (even for myself) and I would end up in disagreements with my husband about things I didn’t even care about, but for some reason was fighting for. And I always immediately knew when I’d gone too far but at the same time felt it my right to say/do it anyway and didn’t know how to stop.

Eventually, I realised I had to control this better. Here’s the truth of the matter - not everything that comes into your head has the right to come out of your mouth, and you’re the gatekeeper.

So on days when my head was overrun with thoughts that weren’t helpful or useful to anyone, I learnt to close my mouth. 

Yes, it is extremely tiring battling thoughts you don’t say, it’s really hard work, but see it as a mental work out. This is a plank. 

Initially, you might have similar feelings to the ones I had when I was wrestling with this - why should I? I’m the one that’s struggling! - but trust me, when you learn to take control of the thoughts you have and the words you say, even at a time when it’s super hard - it will definitely improve your relationships. 

I see too many menopausal/hormonal women leaving their husbands, constantly getting at their husbands, blaming their husbands, for not being more accepting of their bad behaviour. The women even admit they’re awful to live with, but expect their husbands to put up with that. Well, I have one question for them - would you? Would you live with someone that constantly gets at you, nit picks, nags, questions your love or relationship, or is mean, when you know that’s not the real them, but they allow themselves to do it anyway? I wouldn’t!

And you need to be prepared for some funny reactions when you’re doing your silent plank. Some people won’t understand it. I’ve been criticised for being quiet and accused of not caring, being judgemental or not interested, because I’ve been quiet in groups, or family situations or meetings, but you have to do what’s best for you, and sometimes not care about what others think. Especially if you know the alternative would hurt them even more.

When your mind is overloaded, sometimes the most insightful action is to embrace silence. -- Francis Bacon

PRACTICAL TIP: Find other ways to release the feelings you’re having. Maybe write it down and let yourself be completely honest about all the bad thoughts and feelings. I do recommend maybe destroying this afterwards - these things can be damaging further down the line to others that might find it if you don’t. Especially as they’re not likely to be feelings you’ll have for long. Or maybe put on a song that allows you to sing or dance in a way that can get rid of the sadness, anger or frustration. Keep a playlist for different emotions so you don’t need to think about it much. Write down words you can read or say to yourself when your mind is in a bad place and it’s all too overwhelming - truths you know will help you. 

The more you learn to recognise these bad days, the more you will naturally go to the things you know will help you. Those muscles get stronger and suddenly instead of just painfully holding your silent plank, you’ll find you learn to relax into it a bit more and let the world wash on around you without reacting. I learnt to recognise days like this and the moment I did, I would give myself permission to be silent, ignore my thoughts, and remind myself it will pass. This sounds simple, but it’s actually really hard work. 

One thing I can tell you, once you manage it, it will save you many arguments with others, and paired with the next point, I guarantee it will help you through the bad days.

It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt. -- Mark Twain

Or we could say “It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and show them you’re really a very angry hormonal woman inside.”

TIP 3: Open your mouth

Yes, this does sound like I’ve just gone mad with a point that completely contradicts the previous one, but bear with me.

Suppressing the feelings only makes it harder to let them go. Expression is the opposite of depression. -- Edith Eger

Now, some people might not struggle with the ‘close your mouth’ tip because you don’t communicate with anyone about anything really (British Men I’m looking at you!), in which case, this one might be just as helpful for you too.

Our feelings are not there to be cast out or conquered. They’re there to be engaged and expressed with imagination and intelligence. -- T.K. Coleman

 So, once you’ve identified the awful days and thoughts that you’re dealing with, there is great power, healing and release in being able to open your mouth in the right way to say the right things.

What do I mean? Well, this is another very tricky thing, for some this will be even harder than the previous point, but it’s vital, and has probably been the best thing in my marriage for getting through this and helping my husband come on the journey with me, and not just get battered in the process.

I’m going to let you into a secret: the other people around you aren’t psychic. 

Even people who you know really well - they don’t know what’s going on in your brain. Heck, you don’t even know, so how can they? So, it’s really important to learn how to communicate it. 

And I’ve found that keeping this really simple is the key. 

There are two ways that opening your mouth is going to help you.

1. On good days. When you’re feeling in a more normal headspace, for you, having conversations about what you’re feeling and going through with those you live/work with is something that will help pave the way for bad days.Find some quality time with this person/people, with no time pressures, could be a partner/parent/sibling/child/colleague/friend, and tell them you want to have a conversation that is hard for you, but important. Tell them you want to include them because you value your relationship and you need the support. I know, this isn’t easy stuff to even say for some people, but trust me, most people that love you will instantly want to have this conversation. 

   Then, tell them what it’s like in your head. How hard it is to control, why it’s happening, and what you’re doing to try and help it. Give them time to process and ask questions. Tell them your fears and how hard this is for you to talk about. Use ‘I’ messages not ‘You’ messages - this is a great tip for any relationship, marriage or work chat. Say things like ‘I’m finding it really hard to…’, not ‘You make me…’ it’s far less confrontational and easier to hear. Try to phrase everything you’re saying around how it makes you feel, not what’s wrong with them or why they should be understanding. This is not about causing a fight or picking faults or just listing what they need to do for you, it’s about helping them to understand. Then tell them that you’re going to try to communicate how you feel at times like this, but it’s hard for you, so you’re going to use specific words (we’ll cover that next). Hopefully, if they love you, they will listen and want to know how they can help. If you haven’t got someone like that, if there’s no one that would be that committed to you, then try to find someone that understands and can help you through - this might be a doctor, a support group, or a friend, neighbour, or colleague. Don’t make the assumption others around you won’t care - there’s usually someone out there that would love to hear you talk.

2. On bad days. I’ve found that if you can verbalise how you feel, having already prepped your partner (or whoever) that you’re going to do this, it can help massively. You’ll see how I’ve done this in the practical tip I’ll share, but it’s another thing that sounds so simple, but can be so hard to do. BUT it is also a muscle that I’ve found is much stronger now and it comes very easily. In fact, my husband has even started doing it too! Which I love.

I think I’ll see this exercise as the reverse plank, arguably even more uncomfortable than an normal plank, but you only need to hold it for a very short time and it’s outward facing, because this is about looking at others while you’re doing it.

PRACTICAL TIP: So here it is. My life-saver, or marriage-saver I should say, was uttering four or five words. And again, you need to tell your person in advance that this is what you’re going to say, so make it specific to you. Maybe it’s a funny sentence, maybe it’s got curse words in, maybe it’s just simple like mine.

For me, I would tell my husband ‘I’m SO angry right now’ (this was often when he had done nothing wrong and there was no reason for me to be angry at all - I just had the emotion in me and I wanted to say that before he did something that might make me want to lash out). Because we’d talked about what I could say in this situation before, he knew what this meant, and he’d know I was struggling and that I might be quieter that day or need space. Sometimes I would tell him ‘I feel SO antsy’ when I was just uncomfortable in my skin and unsettled about everything. But when you say these words you need to do this with zero expectations that they will do anything in return, because there’s usually nothing they can do, but even just voicing it, I found, halved my emotions instantly. They also immediately know that it’s something going on in you, and not something they’ve caused. Just being able to say this, which was really hard at the time, and not carrying it all on my own, made it instantly so much easier - it didn’t take it away by any means, but I didn’t feel like I was struggling alone and saying it out loud made it real somehow and shared in some way. 

My message for everyone is the same: that if we can learn to identify, express, and harness our feelings, even the most challenging ones, we can use those emotions to help us create positive, satisfying lives. -- Marc Brackett

TIP 4: Be kind to yourself  

We’ve done the hard work, now we’re on the warm down. 

And just like warm-up or warm-down exercises there will be those that relish these and those that wonder if there’s even any point to them, they almost seem too easy. But there’s a hidden benefit to these exercises, they’re preparing you to start getting active, or to start to slow down. In the situation of mental health, I’ve found this most used when I’m needing to slow my mind down. 

I think this is probably like the basic crocodile pose in yoga (Google it!). The whole point of that pose is to lie down and relax into the floor. 

Although, even with this one, some people find this harder than others. I found it really hard at first. Being kind to myself in the worst moments meant that I needed to allow a day or two where I just rested and reset. I found this super hard. I found I heavily judged myself for needing to do that, I was critical about myself, I felt like a failure because I couldn’t just ‘buck up’, I didn’t want to be someone that just accepted my situation and sat on the sofa all day - I felt that made me look weak. And I feared that the moment I allowed this to become my identity, I’d have become a person I never wanted to be. I didn’t ever want to be someone that needed to rest because I was struggling with mental health issues. Well, here’s the thing to remember, no one does! And I was terrified people would think I was just lazy, because let’s face it, it can be hard to tell the difference looking in sometimes.

I’ve never been someone that was going to give-in to a diagnosis and let it define who I was. So I didn’t like using labels for why I was feeling under the weather, I thought that gave the diagnosis more control that I wanted it to have. However, I’ve learnt that sometimes it’s important to mention to people who are interested, what makes me that way to give context to things I’m experiencing or writing/podcasting about, but I’m still terrified of becoming the label of someone with PMDD or struggling with mental illness. And I think this is something a lot of people find hard when they’re faced with something they always assumed they could avoid. There’s an arrogance to that, but then we all like to think we have control of our own heads - until we don’t. 

So even now, I struggle between the self-care route, and the fear of becoming lazy or giving in to something I don’t want. 

For example: I never use the word phobia. I have fears, but I don’t say phobia. I once spoke to an NLP (Neuro Linguistics Programming) person who helped people get over their fears and phobias. When we first met he asked me if mine was a fear or phobia? I thought for a moment and said ‘fear’. He told me that helped him see where I was with it. If you see it as a phobia you often view it as something that controls you, or that you can’t control, if you see it as a fear, it tells him you potentially see it as something that can be overcome. Pretty much all phobias are irrational. We all have natural fears - heights, dying, things that can kill you, that’s just survival instinct, but a lot of the ‘phobias’ people have are irrational things, because other people get on fine with them; like buttons, birds, spiders (in a country where they can’t kill you), sharks (in a country where you’d never see one). Therefore, that can be changed, because it is possible to conquer fears. But only if you want to of course.

You can conquer almost any fear if you will only make up your mind to do so. For remember, fear doesn’t exist anywhere except in the mind. Dale Carnegie

So for me, anything I get handed in life, in my eyes has to be conquerable - I refuse to be someone that will be pushed down permanently by anything, least of all my own brain. 

So that’s why the self-care route is hard, because I have to give into it and admit that I need to do something that might look lazy and selfish, to feel better. However, I also know that’s a stupid view because if we don’t care for ourselves, we can’t care for others. Driving yourself into the ground isn’t really a goal anyone’s aiming for.

Self-compassion is not about comparing yourself to others; it is about accepting yourself as you are and embracing your journey. -- Kristin Neff

So, all that being said, it’s really important, that on days when you feel at your absolute worst,  you put things in place to allow that to happen and you give yourself grace and kindness for it, just as you would any other person. And put aside the thoughts of what anyone else might be thinking. 

This all massively depends on you and who you are, how you were brought up, your personality type etc. Some of you will know that if you take a sofa day you need to be careful it doesn't turn into 7 unneeded sofa days, others will take a day and feel the guilt for the rest of the week. So get to know yourself and what you really need in those moments and let yourself have it.

Self-care can be as simple as recognising your emotions, and then reacting accordingly (as my previous tips mentioned). The quicker you recognise and label them, the easier it is to talk about them and find ways to express and regulate them if needed. 

Talk to yourself like you would to someone you love. -- Brené Brown

Challenging for a lot of us.

For me, at my absolute worst, I need to be somewhere comfortable, in something comfortable (never pyjamas (slippery slope!), but comfy jeans and clothes), on the sofa with something on TV that distracts my mind, but also something I know well and feel safe with - no new information or scenes to contend with. I need to allow myself to sit this out without the huge guilt that wants to settle on me for not doing more. I also know that a hot bath and a novel is my safe place and that this is something I can take myself too when I’m really struggling.

Know what helps you feel happy/safe - and go to it when you really need it.

Hotwater bottle! That’s another one for me.

That’s another reason I created Hermans - because when you can’t just have a sofa day and you need to go to work, or to an event, and you’re struggling, there’s something lovely about having something/someone with you that understands, and reminds you to be kind to yourself. 

PRACTICAL TIP: Once you find these things, if you live with other people, tell them about them too. It’s been a huge blessing to me, when I’m at my worst and Chris can spot it, or because I’ve told him, that he will steer me to the sofa, make me lie down, put Schitts Creek on TV, cover me in a blanket and tell me to stay put. If you don’t have someone that can help you in this way, then write it down and have a notebook, wall, Pinterest board, folder, with things in that you can do on a bad day - and read your own advice to yourself and then go do it. 

On our podcast episode about Self Awareness with Katie Elliot she told us about the Amiko Cards. A deck of cards with things on each one that you can do for self care. Ideas to help you feel good in the moment when you can’t work out what to do for yourself, things like; have a glass of water, go for a walk, contact a friend, have a bath… lots of ideas to see what you feel like in the moment. 

When you recover or discover something that nourishes your soul and brings joy, care enough about yourself to make room for it in your life. -- Jean Shinoda Bolen

TIP 5: Don’t lose hope

Hope. He’s an elusive little fella at times. There have been moments when I was just clinging to hope by my fingernails. One of the things I would tell myself, when I didn’t feel it, was - there is hope. And I owe a lot of that, not just to my faith, but also to our podcast guests. I’ve heard so many people say, after surviving horrific things, that there is always hope, that I just knew it was true, even if I didn’t feel it.

Hope is being able to see that there is light despite all of the darkness. -- Desmond Tutu

And I would say the same to you. There will be days when it feels like hope is the furthest, weakest, most ineffective thing you could even think of, but just plant it deep in your soul so you know, even on those days, when you come out of that funk, it’s still there. Because you will have good and bad days. The good days might not be great days, or even normal days, but there will be slithers of good that appear and in those moments remind yourself you are not alone and there is hope - then cling to that, remember it. It’s so easy to lose hope, and hard to find it sometimes, but it’s always there.

Hope never abandons you, you abandon it. -- George Weinberg

When I think of an exercise for hope I think of a star jump! It’s a joyful, fun thing to do, it stretches your limbs, reaches for the sky, leaves the ground, feels amazing and raises you up. But, it also takes energy, it takes effort, it can’t be done half-heartedly, and once again, it won’t feel easy at times. Hope isn’t always easy to find, it doesn’t just come to you, you have to choose to believe in it, choose to jump.

PRACTICAL TIP: Find something that speaks to you in a profound way about hope and have it to hand when you need it.

No, I’m not about to sell you Hermans, but that is one option!

 It might be a song, a quote on the wall, a poem you read, a book you love… whatever it is, make yourself see it, read it or listen to it when you’re in the dark and you’re feeling desperate. For me, it was a worship song that spoke deeply into where I was and the hope there still is to come. It’s called ‘Seasons’ by Benjamin Hastings and the words just spoke to me about the fact that yes, I might be in winter right now, I might just be a buried seed, the winter might be long, but there is a promise of the barren becoming beautiful, of seeds growing into sequoias and of hope for a new season ahead. Find your thing and make yourself use it when you can’t see hope for yourself.

We must accept finite disappointment, but never lose infinite hope. -- Martin Luther King Jr.

So, they are the top things that have helped and saved me in my dark times. They’re also things, I have noticed, that come so much easier to me now - my muscles are getting stronger! (Well, the mental ones, anyway, still need to work on the physical ones.)

And like I said, I’ve even had Chris come to me and say ‘I feel really angry and I don’t know why’ and I instantly feel compassion for him and give him space or steer him to the sofa and cook dinner for him. In fact, we’ve recognised another one we can use between each other, and this one is a real kick in the gut to hear your partner say to you, but with context we understand it now, and it’s this - ‘I don’t really like you right now, but I don’t know why’. Ouch. I told him to feel free to use that any time but every time I hear it it’s like a knife through my heart! Then I have to remind myself, it’s not personal, I know that feeling well, and that’s ok. Even with that, we’ve noticed that just saying it out loud helps the feeling ease inside. But don’t try that without first having the conversation and agreement that you can use that sentence and the other person will know what you mean!

And that’s another final tip I’d give you - don't lose sight of other people. It might be hard to engage with life and other things going on around you, but don’t give yourself permission to not bother with other people. For example, birthdays, anniversaries etc - there are so many ways now to celebrate others with minimal effort. Set reminders on your phone, when they ping, send them a birthday gif on WhatsApp. Send a card directly from a website that does it all for you. Don’t check out of life. It’s too wonderful, and it’ll be too hard to re-join later on if you do. Keep your gratitude for life, for being here another day. Many would envy you still having that.

As Clarence Odbody said;

"You see George, you really had a wonderful life. Don't you see what a mistake it would be to throw it away?" -- It's a Wonderful Life

Don't throw away the life you have, especially on the days when you really want to. Build muscles to carry it a bit easier. It can be a wonderful life - I truly believe, and am clinging to that, but sometimes it just takes a bit of fighting for.